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"Canadian, eh?"
A Daria fan fiction
By
Link
(There are a couple of citations and footnotes)
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Author's Disclaimer:
Daria, and company, belong to MTV. Mulan is a copyrighted
film by Disney (shiver). Liberty Wong comes from the comic strip Debunkers, which is only
available where I live right now but there are plans to put it onto the Net. Technically,
this would be a crossover (Daria/Debunkers) but since only one character from Debunkers
features in it and no one else has heard of Debunkers, this will probably just go into the
Misc. section.
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Title sequences accompanied the theme song "You're
Standing on my Neck" by Splendora ending with the Daria logo against a red
background. Underneath the words "Canadian, eh?" are printed.
Scene 1
[Scene opens in the hallway of Lawndale High.
"Yoo-hoo" by Imperial Teen plays in the background. The camera is on a low
angle, showing the bottoms of the lockers. Three pairs of shoes appear from around the
corner. The camera slowly pans back, revealing the identity of the three people; it's the
Fashion Club with Sandi at one end and Stacy at the other with Tiffany in between the two.
Sandi is wearing red Capri pants, a violet, low-cut, navel-revealing cardigan. Tiffany is
wearing a green halter top with blue Capri pants and Stacy is wearing an ultramarine,
ribbed, 3/4 sleeve shirt with grape colored leggings. ]
Tiffany: So my parents are too busy and I have to take my
cousin around school. I've got her graduation picture right here.
[Close up of a photograph of a very pretty Asian girl with
chin-length dark hair and with what Brooke would refer to as "luscious lips".
She's wearing the traditional graduation robes and has a faint, distant smile as if she is
thinking of something that amuses her.]
Stacy: Wow, she's really cute.
Tiffany: Yeah. I haven't seen her in person since we were
kids.
Stacy: But why is she still in high school if she
graduated?
[Camera goes to a close up of Tiffany's head and
shoulders]
Tiffany: It's this weird Canadian thing where she lives,
or whatever, she has to take an extra year to get into college.
Sandi: God that must suck. [They all laugh]
Tiffany: You are so right, Sandi. [Pause] Where's Quinn
today?
Sandi: Oh, probably trying to steal someone's boyfriend,
or whatever.
Stacy [looking away awkwardly]: Um… I just remembered
I forgot something in my locker. [Rushes away]
Sandi: What's *her* problem? [Tiffany shrugs]
Tiffany [directing attention to their pants]: Capri pants
are *so* cool, don't you think? [Pauses] Do they make me look fat?
Scene 2
[Exterior of the Lawndale Airport]
[Interior of the Lawndale Airport - Arrivals area. Tiffany
and her family are waiting at the Lawndale airport. Tiffany is wearing that dark red slip
dress that we saw in 'Gifted' (#208). Tiffany's mother is only slightly taller than her
daughter is and is plump, which explains why Tiffany is embarrassed by her. She has on a
pantsuit much like Ms. Li's. Tiffany's father is taller, very slender and lanky with
thinning hair. "Flowing not Flying" by Wong Fae (the 60's version) plays in the
background.]
Mrs. Wong [Speaking in Chinese]: A-ya, Tze-yo (1) should
be here by now!
Tiffany [Looking around quickly]: God, mother! Don't speak
Chinese in public. We're in America! We should speak American!
Mr. Wong: Don't talk to your mother like that, Tze-fong
(2)!
Tiffany: Daa-aad! My name is Tiffany! [Mrs. and Mr. Wong
look at each other, shaking their heads.]
Mrs. Wong [Still speaking in Chinese]: What happened to
you, Tze-fong? You used to love going to Chinese class!
Tiffany [Annoyed]: Mom…
Mrs. Wong: Then ever since you got into that fashion
club… Have you forgotten your roots?
Tiffany: Mom!
A young woman's voice [In Chinese]: Ah… I'm not
interrupting anything, am I?
[Camera pans around. We see the Asian girl from the
photograph except she's wearing one of those softball t-shirts that reads: Harriet Brooks
Forensics Team and a pair of Lycra™ bellbottoms with a silkscreen of Mulan printed on
them (Not the from the actual cartoon but that red poster Disney™ did for the
promotion). She is carrying one of those old-school Chinese jackets over her arm and
'Broca's Brain' by Carl Sagan in her hand. She also has a backpack and a suitcase at her
sandal-ed feet.]
Tiffany [Staring at the book, the clothes and especially
the t-shirt]: Oh… my… god… you…
Mrs. Wong: Tze-yo! [Stiffly embraces her, trying to
restrain emotions.] I heard the wonderful news from your mother! Congratulations on the
scholarship!
Tiffany [Still stammering]: You… you…
Mr. Wong: And winning that debating tournament!
Liberty [In Chinese]: Thanks. I'm not sure if I'm going to
accept the scholarship yet. Queen's wasn't my first choice for university.
Tiffany [Extremely loud]: You're a brain! [Everyone in the
area turns to stare at her]
Liberty [Sarcastically, in English]: I'm sorry if that
amazes you so much.
Tiffany: But… but you're cute! You don't *have* to be
smart!
Liberty: Yes, I could opt for a full frontal lobotomy and
spend the rest of my days talking about boys and clothes and how *hard* it is to be
attractive and popular. [Pause] Nah.
[Commercial Break sequence: Slow motion of Tiffany as she
shouts out "You're a brain!" and everyone turning to stare at her. La la la la
la.]
Scene 3
[Exterior of Tiffany's house. Big like the Morgendorffer
and Griffin houses.]
[Interior - Tiffany's room. Liberty watches impassively,
sitting on Tiffany's bed, as Tiffany is rushing around her room carrying an armful of
clothes and changing clothes a lot. Liberty is wearing Cargo pants and a gray tank top
reading her book. "Beautiful" by Joydrop plays in the background.]
Tiffany: Okay, how about this outfit? Does this make me
look fat?
Liberty [Not looking up]: No.
Tiffany [Whiny tone]: You aren't even looking.
Liberty [Looking up]: It doesn't make you look fat.
[Pause] So what's going to happen to me when you go to school.
Tiffany: Mom's making me take you with me.
Liberty [Back to reading]: Oh good. I guess I should bring
my homework with me.
Tiffany: You're going to do homework?!?
Liberty: Or maybe I'll twirl hair around my finger and
look vacant. [Tiffany looks hopeful] I was kidding. I have a major Calculus test on the
Monday I get back and studying is the only alternative to failing.
Tiffany: Fine. Just don't say anything weird to my
friends, okay?
Liberty: What? Afraid I'll shatter your shallow and
superficial existence?
Tiffany [Annoyed and a bit perplexed]: No, you might just
embarrass me. And please, please don't do anything weird tonight. I have to host a Fashion
Club meeting! [Exasperated] I can't be related to you! [She settles on a pair of flared,
red pants and a matching halter-top.]
Liberty [To herself]: Yes. Sometimes, I question my blood
relation to you too, Tiffany.
Scene 4
[Exterior shot: Lawndale High School. Interior shot:
Hallways of the school. Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Quinn and Liberty are in a group by Daria's
locker. The Fashion club is wearing its standard uniforms except Tiffany who is wearing
the outfit mentioned earlier. "Sick and Beautiful" by Artificial Joy Club plays
in the background.]
Tiffany: This is my cousin, Liberty, from Canada.
Sandi [Rather snottily]: Are you sure it's not your
sister, or something?
Quinn: What does *that* mean, Sandi?
Sandi [Tossing her head]: Oh, nothing.
Stacy: That's a really cool name, Liberty!
Liberty: Uh. Thanks.
Quinn: Like, is it true that it snows all the time in
Canada?
Liberty [pause]: Yes. Yes it does. We live in igloos and
have to dogsled through treacherous ice fields to get to school everyday.
Stacy [excited]: Really?
Liberty [shaking her head]: No.
Quinn [Aside to Tiffany]: God, your cousin is really
weird, Tiffany.
Sandi [Loudly, hearing Quinn]: Well, at least Tiffany's
cousin has *some* fashion sense
Quinn: I can't help it if my sis-, er, I mean, cousin is
so stubborn about these things.
Sandi: Hey Quinn, isn't that your cousin and her friend
over there?
Quinn: Eep!
[Pan to Daria and Jane by their respective lockers.]
Jane: Uh-oh, fashion junkies at 3 o'clock.
Daria: Appears they've recruited another poor soul into
their evil cult
Jane: She looks kind of bored.
Daria: Don't worry, after the behavior adjustment
sessions, she'll be one of them. Forever.
[Pan back to the Fashion Club and Liberty]
Sandi: So, Tiffany's cousin…
Liberty: I have a name.
Sandi [arrogantly]: So?
Liberty: Use it.
Sandi [taken slightly aback]: Anyway, we're going to the
bathroom to check our make-up. Are you coming?
Liberty: I'm not wearing any make-up
Sandi: Excuse me, lips aren't naturally that red.
Liberty: Actually, I stained my lips with caribou blood
after fulfilling my rite of passage as part of an ancient Inuit tradition.
Stacy: Really?!
Liberty: No.
Tiffany [embarrassed]: Let's just go guys.
Quinn: God, she is SOOOO weird. [Exit]
Liberty: It's fun to play with their minds. Assuming they
had one.
Daria: You said it.
Liberty [Turning around, noticing Jane and Daria there]: I
don't usually though, it goes against my ethics.
Daria: Lucky for us, I don't have any. [Liberty laughs]
Jane: So, you new here?
Liberty: No, I'm just visiting my cousin Tiffany.
Jane: Are you sure she's not your sister?
Liberty: Unless we were separated at birth, yes. Why does
everyone keep asking that?
Jane: Long story. Where are you visiting from?
Liberty: Canada.
Jane: Ah Canada. The Great White North.
Liberty: Something like that. I'm here for this week,
involuntarily. It was either this or spend March Break at the Positive Attitude workshop.
Daria: The lesser of two evils?
Liberty: At least I'm unsupervised here.
Jane: Positive Attitude workshop? What the hell is that?
Liberty: My mother's in a cult. [Jane raises an eyebrow]
Seriously, you have to *pay* to get in. Every time I bring it up, she calls me a
brainwashed tool of the Oppressors™ and won't talk to me for at least six days or
until she's got a support meeting. Whichever comes first. Anyway, the Friday before March
break she tells me that I should [Liberty makes quotation signs with her hands] "open
my heart to the possibilities" and to "see the light for what it is".
Daria: Notice that it's open your "heart" not
open your mind?
Jane: I don't think the mind has anything to do with it.
[All three laugh]
Liberty: Then she tells me that she's signed me up for a
special workshop for family members. [Liberty shakes her head] It's supposed to make me
less cynical and more positive to the possibilities of the universe.
Jane: And we all know that we can be more positive to the
possibilities of the universe.
Liberty: Not if they include the ideology that spiritual
enlightenment is 100 bucks a pop.
[Commercial Break sequence - Slow motion of Daria and Jane
looking over at the Fashion Club plus Liberty. La la la la la.]
Scene 5
[Exterior shot: Lawndale High School, the campus. Jane,
Liberty and Daria are sitting around on the grass. 'People Traps' by Shonen Knife plays in
the background.]
Jane: Hey, you wanna come over after school and watch Sick
Sad World with us?
Liberty: Come again?
Jane: Sick Sad World? It's a TV show.
Liberty: Never heard of it.
Jane: Never heard of it?! Exactly how far up North do you
live?
Liberty [with a smirk]: The communal TV set's been a
little on the fritz since the igloo melted on it. [Jane laughs and Daria smiles a little]
I probably don't get the channel that it's on. I'd love to, sounds interesting.
Daria: Are you sure your Fashion mob cousin won't care?
Liberty: She won't notice I'm gone. [Liberty exits with
Daria and Jane]
[Tiffany emerges from the school entrance, peering out
carefully. She's looking in the direction where Liberty was.]
Tiffany: Thank God.
Quinn: Hey! Where'd your cousin go, Tiffany?
Tiffany [Shrugs]: I don't know. Let's go to Cashman's.
Stacy: Cashman's is SO. COOL. [She pauses after each word
for emphasis]
Sandi: State the obvious, why don't you? [Stacy looks
crushed]
Quinn: Oh, Stacy is just being enthusiastic.
Sandi: I'm the club president, I decide when someone is
being enthusiastic or otherwise. Unless *you* want to be president, Quinn.
Quinn: Oh Sandi, I could never take your place. [They
glare at each other]
[Commercial break: Tiffany peering out of the bathroom,
looking out for Liberty. La la la la la.]
Scene 6
[Exterior shot: Jane's house. Interior shot: Jane's room.
Daria is sitting on the bed, holding the remote control. Jane is leaning on her dresser
and Liberty is studying the walls. 'Ironic' by Alanis Morrisette is playing in the
background.]
[Television screen: Obviously doctored film footage of a
seal with a gun with a man cowering behind an ice floe holding a bludgeon is displayed.]
Announcer: For centuries, man has stalked the defenseless
seal and now, they aren't going take it anymore! Seal Commandos invade Siberia - Next on
Sick Sad World!
[Sick Sad World logo appears on the screen of the
television, pan to Liberty, profile, as she studies the paintings.]
Liberty: Cool room.
Jane: If you think my room is cool, you should see
Daria's.
Liberty: I like the paintings. You did these?
Jane: Yeah. So what occupies your time?
Liberty [still examining the paintings]: I write a column
in the school newspaper that no one reads and hang out with Sophia, my partner in crime.
[Daria and Jane glance at each other]
[The door opens and Trent peers in]
Trent: Hey Janey, hey Daria, hey…?
Jane: This is Liberty, from Canada.
Trent: That's cool. Hey Liberty.
Liberty: Hey.
Trent: Yeah, Janey, you got any money?
Jane: Trent, you got any shame?
Trent: [Laugh-coughs] Good one.
Jane: I'm all tapped out, sorry.
Trent: That's cool. See you later, Janey, Daria. [Pauses
at door] Nice to meet you, Liberty. [Leaves]
Liberty: Well. That was interesting. [To Jane] That's your
brother?
Jane: Yeah, he plays guitar in Mystik Spiral, his band.
Liberty: Cool. [Still looking towards the open door]
Jane [Abruptly]: Hands off, he's Daria's.
Daria: Jane!
Liberty: What? [Looking confused, then laughs] Don't
worry.
Daria: I'm not the one that's worried. The one who should
be worrying is Jane, as I will beat her into a bloody pulp as soon as there are no
witnesses. [Raises her fist, threateningly]
Liberty: I was just startled. He looks like my friend
Ethan, except with a goatee, piercings and tattoos. Well, maybe the similarities are all
in my head. [Shrugs]
Jane: Let me guess, he's Sophia's older, cool brother
that's in a band. [Daria flashes her a hostile look]
Liberty [Glancing back at Jane, scratching her head]: Uh,
no. He's my next door neighbor, we grew up together and he's not in a band. He's an
artistic photographer.
Daria: You mean he takes pictures and when they turn out
warped, he sells them as art?
Liberty [Pause]: Yeah, that's pretty much it. [They all
laugh]
Jane: Hey, you wanna get some pizza? [Pauses] You do eat
pizza, right?
Liberty [Sweetly]: No. What is it?
Daria: I see sarcasm doesn't limit itself to borders.
Scene 7
[Exterior: That pizza place that Daria and Jane are always
at. Interior: Daria, Liberty and Jane sitting at a booth eating pizza and drinking pop.
"Lucy Leave" by Pink Floyd plays in the background.]
Liberty [In mid of a story]: So even after Sophia and I
proved it was junk science, the next day, Cynthia goes and buys it! I can't believe the
gullibility of these girls. It's like something out of the Twilight Zone, it's so surreal.
Jane [Raising her eyebrows]: Wow, they sound even dumber
than Brittany.
Liberty: The worst part is almost everyone there is like
that, even my parents. I don't know how Ethan or I managed to escape it.
Jane: And your friend?
Liberty: She just moved there, a few months ago so she's
been able to fight it off. [Sighs] Our town is one big cult.
Daria: Well, stupidity has always been an easier state to
achieve.
[The door to the restaurant opens and who walks in? The
Fashion Club! They are dressed to the nines.]
Daria: Speaking of cults…
Sandi: We have to buy the newest fashions or we'll be
laughed out of the party Friday night.
Quinn [Angrily]: Party? You didn't tell us about a party!
Sandi [Haughtily]: Well, I decided to keep it to myself
until I was sure we were going.
Stacy [Meekly]: But… what if… we can't go?
Sandi: The Fashion Club is a priority above all others,
Stacy. Don't you forget that.
Quinn: But you should have at least asked us!
Sandi: And if you remember, Quinn, I am Fashion Club
president and what I say, goes.
Quinn [Fuming]: Well, I think we should have a vote.
Sandi: Fine. Everyone who wants to go to the party Friday
night, raise your hands. [Tiffany and Sandi raise their hands. Sandi glares at Stacy, who
reluctantly raises her hand as well] See Quinn, three out of four. [Pauses and says
sweetly] Of course, we're always open to new members, maybe a new Vice-President?
Quinn [Still fuming]: I didn't say I wasn't coming. I just
said you should have asked. Who's hosting this party anyway?
Sandi: The Lawndale Socialites, our greatest rival so we
*have* to show them up.
Tiffany: The new Waif issue isn't coming out until next
month. How are we going to find out which fashions are up to the minute in?
Sandi: The Internet, of course! Waif has a website, you
know.
Tiffany: Wow, Sandi, you are, like, so smart.
Sandi: That's why *I'm* the President. [They sit down.
Camera pans back to Daria, Jane and Liberty]
Liberty [Disgusted]: I think I just lost my appetite.
Jane: Why?
Liberty: I just can't stand people like them, they make
themselves out to be so superior. Like David Koresh. And anyone who is even slightly
unconventional becomes public enemy number one.
[Sandi walks by, spotting them as she returns to the
Fashion Club table with a drink]
Sandi: I just saw your cousin, Freedom or whatever, with
Quinn's cousin.
Tiffany [To herself]: Oh no!
Quinn [To herself]: Oh no!
Sandi: Why don't we say hello?
Tiffany and Quinn [anxiously]: No!
Quinn [Nervously]: I mean, why bother them? They're
probably talking about weird stuff anyway.
[Pans back to Daria's table]
Daria: Well, that party they mentioned sounds like a
perfect opportunity to bring them down.
Jane [Raising one eyebrow]: But how?
Liberty [Discovering a torn page of Waif]: By hitting them
where it hurts the most. [She looks up, grinning mischievously]
All three: Fashion.
Scene 8
[Various no-dialogue scenes: Daria typing furiously in
front of her computer with Liberty over-looking. Jane fiddling with a camera. Liberty on
the phone in Daria's kitchen with a pen and a pad of paper in hand. Trent noticing Jane
asleep with a handful of photographs and gently covers her with a blanket. Daria taking a
nap as Liberty is on her computer. The background music is "Atom Bomb" by
Fluke.]
[Bottom of the screen is printed, X-File style: 8:00am,
Friday morning. Daria Morgendorffer's house.]
[We see the backs of the three girls looking at the screen
of Daria's computer. Background music is "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega.]
Liberty: It looks perfect.
Jane: I don't know, I thought the column about using
pencil crayons for eyeshadow was a bit much.
Daria: It'll work. I know them too well. They think that
Waif is the Holy Word. [Liberty laughs weakly, obviously tired]. Okay, now for stage two.
[They back away from the computer screen and we now see
the words "Waif" on it. Close up, we begin to realize that the website has been
doctored with as an altered picture of Andrea is now displayed prominently under the
"What's In" section.]
[Commercial Break: Liberty looking up from the torn page
of Waif. La la la la la.]
Scene 9
[Interior: Quinn's bedroom. Quinn is using her laptop
while lying on her bed. "Pretty Lip" by the Wild Strawberries plays in the
background. Daria is peering in from the doorway.]
Daria [Aside to herself]: It's just pretend, Daria.
Psychological warfare. It means nothing.
Quinn: This is weird, how come everything on the site
looks like something Daria would wear?
Daria [Taking a deep breath]: Hey Quinn.
Quinn [Annoyed]: What do you want?
Daria: Can I borrow your clothes?
Quinn: What? Why?
Daria: You know, I have to be a non-conformist. So, can I
borrow your clothes?
Quinn: What! [Looks back at the webpage] Oh NO! It's TRUE!
[Runs out of the room]
[Daria smiles slightly to herself, relieved, and turns
sharply around to exit Quinn's room again.]
Scene 10
[Exterior: Sandi's house. Interior: Sandi's room. Quinn,
Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are gathered there.]
Quinn [Shouting]: It CAN'T be true! This has got to be
some cruel joke!
Sandi: If Waif says so, it must be true.
Quinn: I can't accept it!
Tiffany [Calmly]: Quinn, it's the call from a higher
power.
Sandi: Besides, the rules of the Fashion Club obviously
dictate following what's cool, not what you, as an [snootily] individual, thinks.
Quinn: But…
Sandi: Unless, of course, you no longer want to be in the
Fashion Club, then you can wear whatever you want. [Pauses] Decide now, Quinn because
fashion waits for no one.
Quinn [Seeing she is out-numbered]: Fine. Waif is right.
Waif is always right. [Turns away, obviously still upset]
Sandi: Better. Now we have to do some major overhaul with
our wardrobe.
Scene 11
[Exterior: A very, very nice mansion and a beautiful
estate. The Fashion Club, dressed in something from one of their Fashion Don'ts parties,
cross the lawn towards the house. Daria, Jane and Liberty observe from some safe distance
with their binoculars. Background music is "Army of Me" by Bjork.]
Liberty: Do you ever feel like we're doing something bad?
Daria: Yes. But it passes. It's not like they won't live
it down, especially Quinn - like their hair, it'll bounce right back.
[Sandi knocks on the door and a beautiful girl in Capri
pants opens it.]
Liberty: It's good that we didn't actually change the real
website.
Daria: Yep.
[Daria, Jane and Liberty begin to hear laughter, even from
the car in which they are hiding. They watch as the Fashion Club are jeered away, running
from the garbage being thrown at them. Jane takes a photograph.]
Jane: Okay Trent. That's a moment we'll savor for a
lifetime. Let's roll.
Scene 12
[Exterior: The club that Trent's band always plays at.]
[Interior: Trent and company on stage.]
Trent: We wrote this song on the way here, it's called
'Cult Status'. Special thanks go to my kid sister, Janey, Daria, and their friend from the
Great White North, Liberty, for inspiration.
[Band begins to play a punk-ish, fast beat song]
Trent [half-singing, half-shouting]: They'll do anything
for it.
They'll believe anything they say.
The word is law and the law is status
Cult status!
We gotta disprove
We gotta be true
We gotta be the different ones than
Cult Status!
Liberty [shouting over the 'music']: You guys should come
up to Canada some time. To meet the people I have to deal with.
Jane [shouting back]: Yeah. That sounds cool. We'll have
to get Trent to drive us up though. Hey Daria, could you stand being cooped up on a road
trip with Trent again?
[Close up of Daria's face.]
Daria: Liberty, you don't have capital punishment in
Canada, do you?
[La la la la la. End credits begin to roll to the punk
strains of "21st Century Digital Boy" by Bad Religion. The various
makeovers roll by: Sandi as a preacher, etc, etc.]
Endnotes:
At first I had Daria and them actually change the Waif
website but decided that would be too risky as the Lawndale Socialites might have gotten
their hands on it too, thereby backfiring the Plan. So what they did was create their own
website and alter the bookmarks on Quinn, Tiffany, Stacy and Sandi's computers via
Internet. (This can be done, it's difficult but I've seen it happen)
- Tze-yo means Liberty in Mandarin dialect Chinese. I wasn't
sure if Tiffany would be Cantonese or Mandarin but you gotta stick with what you know
besides, that's what Liberty's parents call her in Debunkers.
2. I wanted to pick the closest name to Tiffany's
phonetically, it doesn't mean anything particularly.
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