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Quotes from "Love Hurts and So Does Art"
Written by John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky
Directed by Adam Kuhlman

HANK: "New York style deli?" They think that's a selling point?

LUANNE: What's a Kay-nish?
PEGGY: It's pronounced "Nish," honey. The "n" is silent. And I have no idea.
HANK: "Stuffed kishkes?" "Krep-latch?"
BOBBY: Even in my dreams I never dreamed something like the showbiz deli could exist. It's food with a punchline.
HANK: "Tongue?" They're trying to feed us all the animal parts they're supposed to throw away!

JOSEPH: I have tried tripping her. I've hid her lunch. I'm running out of ways to show her that I like her.
BOBBY: I assume you tried throwing utility balls at her head.
JOSEPH: I can't ask her to the dance unless I know she likes me. God, you're lucky. Connie likes you, so after the dance you know you're getting a kiss. And then you'll have a girlfriend. And then I'll be your nerdy friend who doesn't have a girlfriend. I'm gonna go whack Charisse in the butt with a shovel!

LUANNE: Oh, your first middle school dance. How romantic! You'll hold each other close and move in a circle over and over again, and then if she doesn't pass out drunk on you, well, the night will end in a clumsy slobbery kiss.
BOBBY: About that kiss --
LUANNE: Oh, it'll be magical! Nothing will ever be the same between you and Connie ever again!
BOBBY: You know, Connie and I practice-kissed once already, and nothing changed.
LUANNE: Yeah, but this is a middle school dance kiss. This is a real kiss.
BOBBY: Remember Marie? I kissed her, and then things got really complicated and she dumped me. I thought the pain would never go away.
LUANNE: That was a real kiss.

CARL: So you really like the chopped chicken liver?
BOBBY: I love it! It's meat I can eat with a spoon!

(Luanne sees Hank holding two ice cube trays)
LUANNE: Oh, thank God, there'll be ice again!

HANK: What's it gonna be, doctor? Whirlpool? Deep-heat massage? Or are you just gonna tell my son to play through the pain, because I'll support that.

DOCTOR: I'm not gonna tell you it's normal for a twelve year-old boy to have gout, but it happens. Like that feral boy they found surviving on pig excrement.

HANK: At least Peggy's excited about it. She's thinking of putting on earrings.
BILL: What else was she thinking about putting on, Hank? Pumps?

HANK: I specifically asked Bill not to give him that hat.

BOBBY: My doctor says it's very rare. I'm the only kid under 70 to get this outside of the Gout Belt in the Lower Baltics.

KAHN: There nothing funny about this, you hillbilly moron! Can't you see the juxtaposition of Hank's clogged-up colon with that skinny starving kid make deep statement about something? They cast stones at your colon from ignorance, Hank. Your ass is genius! Can you get me on guest list for chi-chi art gallery party?

PEGGY: Caring for Bobby is nothing to be embarrassed about.
CONNIE: Oh, yeah? He named his swollen toe "Madame" and she talks with a French accent.
PEGGY: I did not know that. Well, it's still better than seeing your husband's colon on the wall.

BOBBY: I've got gout!!

HANK: You can have all the free expression you want, within the law. And in the State of Texas, there's a law against defaming beef.

CONNIE: What about your gout?
BOBBY: My dad says when you really want something, you play through the pain.

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