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Quotes from "Peggy's Pageant Fever"
Written by Norm Hiscock
Directed by Tricia Garcia

PEGGY: Hank, do you think I could win the Mrs. Heimlich pageant if I entered?
HANK: You see, Peggy, that's what you call a loaded question. No matter how I answer, there's a bullet in every chamber designed to blow my brains out.

PEGGY: How would we rate me? I'd say, Face: A minus. Body: B... plus. Personality: A plus. Brains: A plus. So with my looks and my brains, and my muchos talentos, I should have an advantage over these bimbos!

PEGGY: Hank, a car is fine, but a truck is a force.
HANK: True.

BILL: Peggy's gonna win. She's every man's fantasy.
HANK: Okay, Bill, I'll take over from here.
BILL: I mean, she's got an A+ brain and an A- body, but if she wears one of them push-up brassieres...
HANK: Bill!
BILL: ...She'll have a body that just won't quit.

HELEN: I'm going to have to look out for you. You're very congenial.

LUANNE: Mrs. Heimlich County let me try on her crown and sash. Did you know she can play the lap-still guitar, and she only has nine percent body fat, and it's all in her breasts?

BOBBY (looking at an old photo): Who's that kissing Dad?
PEGGY: Well, that's me, honey.
BOBBY: Really? You were beautiful.
PEGGY: "Were?" Oh, Bobby, I still am.
BOBBY (after a beat): Okay.

PEGGY: Hank, do you think I'll turn into one of those women you see at the Mega Lo Mart who wears white stretch pants and doesn't tuck in her shirt any more?
HANK: Not for many, many years.
PEGGY: Oh, so you've thought about this.

MR. STRICKLAND: Well, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of meeting this little filly before.

PEGGY: Every year they pick the same type of woman to win: Skinny, big hair, bleached blonde --
NANCY: You mean women like me.
PEGGY: Oh, your hair is not bleached. Is it?
NANCY: What type of woman do you think should win the pageant, Peggy?
PEGGY: Well, I'm not a judge, but: A married woman, of course, not just a wife but a partner. Definitely a mother. Someone who is distinguished by her brain size, not her bra size.
NANCY: Women like you.
PEGGY: Well, you said it, I didn't, but yes.
NANCY: I think women like you shouldn't be in a pageant if you're not prepared to be judged by women like me.

LUANNE: Oh, don't you look... smart.

MINH: Where your clown car, Peggy Hill? Hey, you look like Ronald McDonald, you bozo, Peggy Hill! (Peggy drives away) Sheesh, she so stuck-up. Not even say hello.

MR. STRICKLAND: This is the most I've ever spent on a woman without getting anything in return, if you know what I mean.

LUANNE: Oh, my god! You're firing me as your stylist?
PEGGY: No, you will still be a very, very important part of Team Peggy Hill. But in a much smaller capacity.

PEGGY: So, can you fix this?
MARCIE: This will be my greatest challenge.

BOBBY: Wow, Mom, you look like you could star in a headache commercial!

HANK: Your aunt has always had a lot of confidence about her looks, which is good. But now she's got herself in kind of a bind. She's either got to admit to herself that she can't win the truck, and quit, or stay in the pageant and, well, probably lose. Either way, it's going to hurt.
LUANNE: Well, I guess I should feel bad for her. But I don't.

PEGGY: Helen, by any chance do you have any spare tape? My ass has come loose.

HANK: I figured since you were only doing this for the truck, I'd save you the trouble.
PEGGY: Honey, you bought us a truck?
HANK: No, I painted my old one.
PEGGY: Well, she's beautiful.
HANK: Yeah, but she was before.

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