The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Patch Boomhauer"
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Quotes from "Patch Boomhauer" (8ABE01)
Written by J.B. Cook
Directed by Anthony Lioi
DALE: Don't worry, Boomhauer, Patch may have beat you to the altar, but you'll beat him to the grave. As a bachelor, your life expectancy is seven years shorter than us blissfully marrieds. Even Bill gets a couple of years' credit for that charade of a marriage of his.
BOOMHAUER: Dang ol' destiny, man. Talkin' 'bout the planets align, just like a big ol' dipper, man.
HANK: So your brother is marrying Katherine. She made the best beer.
DALE: Wow, it's like if the Russians landed on the moon after we did, and then married it!
PEGGY: You know, I still remember the day Katherine left for London. Boomhauer stayed in his hot tub for two straight days. I have never seen a man look so unhappy yet so relaxed.
BOBBY (carrying a hamburger on a pillow): I want to show Patch I've got what it takes to be a ring-boy.
HANK: That's "ring-bearer," and that's Ladybird's job. Besides, you're old enough to be an usher.
BOBBY: An usher? Wow! "Sir, come back when you have a tie."
JOHN REDCORN: Very touching. But something tells me this is not over.
BOBBY: Will you take this burger to be your dinner?
BOOMHAUER: Hey, man, I ain't got no dang ol' problem here, man... tell you what, worry a little about that son of yours, man, carryin' a dang ol' burger on a pillow.
PATCH: Whoo dogs, that's a sweet taste, man... lookin' forward to that meal.
BOOMHAUER: Man, you gotta think 'bout turnin' over a new leaf with ol' Katherine, man... got a lotta vows, man... talkin' 'bout vows!
PATCH: Yo, man, you know, talkin' 'bout you know home man, it's just for drive-through window action now and then, man... I'm talkin' 'bout fast food, baby!
HANK: Yep.
DALE: Yep.
BILL: Fight!
KAHN: You must settle this like men. Angry redneck men. Blunderbuss at twenty paces!
PEGGY: This might be just the kick in the pants Boomhauer needs to snap him out of his Peter Pan lifestyle.
HANK: You know, maybe you're right.
PEGGY: He's not getting any younger, and all the women he dates are. Something's got to give.
BILL: What are Patch and Katherine serving at their wedding? I need to know what color tux to wear, stain-wise.
BOOMHAUER: I... I don't wanna say nothin' 'bout dang ol'...
KATHERINE: Dial back the charm.
HANK: Tomorrow night, from seven to ten p.m., the family room is reserved for a bachelor party. I have a variance from the city; they're letting us have seventy decibels. Same as Bennigan's.
PEGGY: Well, we are having a bachelorette party for Katherine, and Minh is bringing three Patrick Swayze movies.
KRAIG T: Now, the groom mentioned he would like a Happy Ending. You cool with that?
HANK: Of course! He's getting married!
KRAIG T: There is only one rule: to have fun. And to tip generously.
PATCH: Guys' night out, man... talkin'... girls! Why?
HANK: I really thought Boomhauer had come around. I mean, he brought beer. But then... the prostitutes.
PATCH: Dad gum, where's the best man? Where's ol' Hank? Gotta give a speech, talkin' 'bout -- (does the Hank "neck-rub" gesture) "Life's funny sometimes" -- like that.
PEGGY: Oh my God, your Hank is dead on. You know, I do a great Bobby.
KATHERINE: When Patch first asked me to marry him, it was a dream come true. But when I got here, I realized how much Patch reminded me of Boomhauer, and I realized I might be trying to recapture something I lost. And then Boomhauer hired a bunch of prostitutes to make me think Patch was some kind of pervert, and I hated him for it. But it was that desperate, crazy romantic move that made me realize maybe there is something still between Boomhauer and me. I'm sorry, Patch, I cannot marry you.
PATCH: No, baby, dad gum wait a minute... it was all me! Yeah! Talkin' 'bout frequent buyer... spent Thanksgiving with them hos, man!
KATHERINE: You're the one who hired those strippers?
PATCH: Dang straight, baby! Dang ol' hopeless romantic.
KATHERINE: No! Boomhauer hiring them because he couldn't stand to see us together is a grand romantic gesture. You hiring them is just plain sleazy! It's over, Patch!
PATCH: No, baby, wait... it was Hank! Dang ol' Hank loves hookers, man!
BOOMHAUER: You know we talked about destiny and the big ol' dipper, man? Well, I'm just like the North Star, I'm always gonna be there, man... just like dang ol' UPS and Hertz Gold, man.
KATHERINE: I feel the same way.