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BOBBY: Aren't you supposed to knock first? I could have been naked!

HANK: What is a "Celery Head?"
BOBBY: He's the world's best comedian. He glues things! Like he glues a Kleenex box to a tennis shoe and goes "This is in case you have a runny nose!"
HANK: That's not a joke, son, that's a waste of good glue.

HANK: Luanne, good Lord, put on some pants!

PEGGY: Hank, calm down, it is just a bunch of wood and some wires.
HANK: Wood and wires? I've had Betsy since high school. I took her to the prom. I love this guitar. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what love means?
PEGGY: Yes. I love my family.
HANK: Now you're getting it. That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.

DALE: Dammit, Hank, you know I can't have loud sudden noises while I'm meditating! I was a nose-hair away from achieving inner peace!
(Dale kicks the truck, and the noise stops.)
HANK: Don't even try to take credit for that.
DALE: It was not done by me. It was done through me.

HANK: What is that chinging noise?
DALE: One of those stealth helicopters with computerized noise-cancellation capability. They're still working the chings out.
BILL: How'd you know about the stealth helicopters?
DALE: alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah man, I tell you what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.

HANK: Why can't Bobby turn all that energy into something positive, like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada?

HANK: So Bobby, we got to think of a hero for you.
BOBBY: Do you have a hero, Dad?
HANK: I sure do, and it's Willie Nelson.
BOBBY: How come?
HANK: Well, you might say he's been my inspiration. See, Willie grew up in Texas, and I grew up in Texas. He loves golfing and playing guitar, I love golfing and playing guitar, he's had trouble with the IRS, and I must have spent six hours last April on that 1040 form -- EZ my ass.

BOBBY: I like Willie Nelson. He's got long hair, he's alternative.
HANK: Now you take that back! I've followed that man from Country and Western to Country to Adult Contemporary, and that's as far as I'm going.

PEGGY: Most women would be threatened by Betsy, but not me. I don't care. I'd like to see that guitar come home and chicken fry a steak after substitute teaching all day.

BOBBY: Mr. Gribble, who is your all-time hero?
DALE: You are, if you get me some smokes.

EARL: Les, go in the back and alphabetize the guitar strings.
LES: Alphabetize by letter?

HANK: That's okay, Bobby, you can do it. Just choke up on it. And swing less like a girl.

HANK: Mr. Nelson, I am so sorry. My boy is new to golf. I'm your biggest fan. I go to every concert I can. I've been to every Farm Aid except one. I don't care much for that Bryan Adams.

WILLIE NELSON: Hey, I know you. You're the kid that rakes my lawn.
BOBBY: No, I'm the kid who hit you in the head.
WILLIE NELSON: With a rake?
BOBBY: No, with a golf club.
WILLIE NELSON: You been raking my lawn with a golf club? I want my quarter back.

BOBBY: Dad, guess where I am?
HANK: Oh, I dunno, let's see, crushing Dwight Yoakam's voice box with my five iron?
BOBBY: I'm at Willie Nelson's, and he wants you to come over!
HANK: Son, you're teasing the gorilla in the monkey house.

HANK (shoving Lyle Lovett): Out of my way, Rooster Boy!

WILLIE NELSON: Hey, Hank. Bobby's been telling me all about you. I hear you're a guitar player, and that you got a narrow urethra.

LUANNE (as she braids Peggy's hair): The fox chases the rabbit around the tree trunk and... (phone rings; Peggy gets up to answer it) I was so close! (sobs)

BOOMHAUER: I tell you what, man, you did that dang ol' Mr. Tambourine Man, talkin' about "come play a song for me" and all, then you change your name to Zimmerman, y'all Born Again.
BOB DYLAN: Well, whole bunch of kids going around, mad dog, and denim, going platinum, who knows, accounting firms, dang ol' Boomhauer.

PEGGY: Los Mariachis son diablos!

WILLIE NELSON: Bobby wants to play your guitar, ride your mower and swing your golf club. Seems to me that boy does have a hero, and his name is Hank Hall.
HANK: Hill.
WILLIE NELSON: Uh, yeah, right.

PEGGY: You know, I was headed over here to knock you six ways from Sunday with that guitar, then I get here and you're playing that ol' song of yours, and, well, I love you, Propane Man.

WILLIE NELSON: Luanne, you braided that perfectly, but next time try to go easier on the glitter spray.

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