The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Smoking and the Bandit"
Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page
Quotes from "Smoking and the Bandit"
Written by Dan McGrath
Directed by Cyndi Tang-Loveland
HANK: Bobby, never run in a parking lot. Those cars look parked, but they could be driven by slow-moving seniors.
DALE: Outrageous. Sure, today it's us smokers, but who tomorrow? Pudgy white guys with strange propane fixations?
DALE: Oh, hey, Hank. Listen, I just had sort of a quick question: how do I get my son to respect me?
HANK: Well, boys need their dads to be strong role models. You just need to, you know, be a man.
DALE: Dammit, Hank, I'm 42 years old. It's kind of late for me to start the whole "be a man" thing. Is there a shortcut, or at least a website?
HANK: No.
DALE: This is going to be tough. I can't even take that like a man.
DALE: I am a powerful, functional adult at the peak of his life, who demands to be heard! My voice is a flame that cannot be extinguished! Give me smoking or give me death!
NANCY (reading the Arlen Bystander): "The Sheriff vows to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law."
DALE: The fullest extent of the law?
NANCY: That's what the Sheriff vows.
DALE: But our extent is pretty full. We have the death penalty in this state and we're not afraid to use it.
DALE: Did they get a description?
NANCY: Only that "he was as slim and white as the cigarette he smoked."
DALE: I am the Smoking Bandit! See you in the history books, people.
DALE: All I can say is, I wish I had the Smoking Bandit's courage. He's the Rosa Parks of nicotine.
BILL: He's a hero. Just like that guy who rides his bicycle faster than French people. I bet he smokes too.
HANK: You can't pick and choose which laws you want to obey. Sure, I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, but that's just not the way it works.
JOSEPH: Dude, you're missing the message. You're not like the Bandit when you smoke. You're like him when you break the law and run away.
BOBBY: I'm listening.
JOSEPH: He fights back. He disobeys unfair stuff, like homework, and math tests, and girls who tell other girls that I'm a dork.
BOBBY: Math is so unfair. How are kids like us supposed to know all those answers?
JOSEPH: Yeah! No one has the right to teach us stuff we don't want to learn. That's what our Bill of Constitution's all about.
DALE: The Bandit is making my own son defy me even more. It's pretty ironic.
HANK: How is that ironic?
DALE: Oh... well, I'm probably just mis-using the word "ironic," as so many people do.
HANK: Don't they say criminals always return to the scene of the crime?
DALE: Not if they don't want to get caught, Hank.
BOUNCER: Your name's not on the list.
PEGGY: Excuse me, but you do not know my name.
BOUNCER: Okay, what's your name?
PEGGY: Peggy Hill, Arlen Bystander.
BOUNCER: Not on the list.
PEGGY: So it's like that? All right, Mister, I lied: my real name is Annabeth Fitzwater. Go on, check the list.
BOUNCER: You're not on it.
PEGGY: Fine. I'm really Professor Helen Merryatt Booth. And I've got all night.
DALE: The Bandit wants his smoking to be noticed. That bar has a smoke machine. Would the Bandit strike there?
JOSEPH: No, sir. He'd go somewhere more... somewhere else.
HANK: Yeah, maybe we should let the Bandit go. But does the Bandit swear he will never do anything this asinine again, or I will kick his ass?
BOBBY: I can't believe I thought the Bandit was cool. You know who's cool? That rapper with the bullet in his nose. "Bullet-Nose."
JOSEPH: Yeah. One sneeze and the whole joint goes up.